tell me no secrets...

How will he find me? With no one's arms to gather me together...

• Help him balance me me out, love me for me, and be my soulmate like C.M. was
• Help him to take care of me financially like A.M. did
• Help him to be as straight-forward and attractive and as confident in bed as C.G. was
• Help him to be as laid back as S.S. was
• Help him to want to know what all the faces I made meant like D.D. did
• Help him to be as creative and spontaneous as J.B. was
• Help him to think that my body is the most attractive body in the world and want me to have his children like B.G. did
• Help him to listen to me ramble like N.J. did
• Help him to make me laugh like K.S. did. No one ever made me laugh like K did

...if I am to wide open for this place... but not enough for him to recognize my face...

I was neurotic for years. I was anxious and depressed and selfish. Everyone kept telling me to change. I resented them and I agreed with them, and I wanted to change, but simply couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried. Then one day someone said to me, “Don’t change. I love you just as you are.” Those words were music to my ears: “Don’t change, Don’t change. Don’t change … I love you as you are.” I relaxed. I came alive. And suddenly I changed!

— Anthony de Mello

of course it isn't

why it's ok to live my life the way I do

“ How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. ”

Buddhist saying

so me

How Will He Find Me

So after the events of the past week or so, I just can't imagine me ever getting married again... I think the Weepies say it best...

If I don't stand out like a star among the moons
If I am always late and he always backs away too soon
I walk the world with a skin so thin
I can wear no adequate protection
Everything comes crashing in.
If I'm too wide open for this place
But not enough for him to recognize my face

How will he find me
With no one's arms to gather me together?
How will he find me?
Only held by gravity,
faded with uncertainty
No longer young and not that pretty
How will he ever find me?

It never seems to matter,
the tears I cry.
There's a well inside of me that never runs dry
From being born I guess,
and born in life until we die.
The music and the hope for love keep me alive
Still I wonder, how will he find me?

And what shall I do with a drunken heart
With goggle eyes and the troubling hunger
Reaching forward to trick mirror men
Leaning out and in again.
If love is a game how can it be creation?
And if I'm wasting my time
How will he find me?

I don't pray very often, but last night I prayed for someone who was a mixture of all the people I previously dated and liked... I should post it, but I would have to change the names to protect the innocent, lol. I might. I don't know if I even want a long term relationship again, but if I figure out what I do want, I obviously need to have higher standards. Obviously.

This is why we do it babe

"You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what’s a life, anyway? We’re born, we live a little while, we die. A spider’s life can’t help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone’s life can stand a little of that."

E. B. White, Charlotte’s Web