tell me no secrets...

How will he find me? With no one's arms to gather me together...

• Help him balance me me out, love me for me, and be my soulmate like C.M. was
• Help him to take care of me financially like A.M. did
• Help him to be as straight-forward and attractive and as confident in bed as C.G. was
• Help him to be as laid back as S.S. was
• Help him to want to know what all the faces I made meant like D.D. did
• Help him to be as creative and spontaneous as J.B. was
• Help him to think that my body is the most attractive body in the world and want me to have his children like B.G. did
• Help him to listen to me ramble like N.J. did
• Help him to make me laugh like K.S. did. No one ever made me laugh like K did

...if I am to wide open for this place... but not enough for him to recognize my face...

I was neurotic for years. I was anxious and depressed and selfish. Everyone kept telling me to change. I resented them and I agreed with them, and I wanted to change, but simply couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried. Then one day someone said to me, “Don’t change. I love you just as you are.” Those words were music to my ears: “Don’t change, Don’t change. Don’t change … I love you as you are.” I relaxed. I came alive. And suddenly I changed!

— Anthony de Mello

of course it isn't

why it's ok to live my life the way I do

“ How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. ”

Buddhist saying

so me

How Will He Find Me

So after the events of the past week or so, I just can't imagine me ever getting married again... I think the Weepies say it best...

If I don't stand out like a star among the moons
If I am always late and he always backs away too soon
I walk the world with a skin so thin
I can wear no adequate protection
Everything comes crashing in.
If I'm too wide open for this place
But not enough for him to recognize my face

How will he find me
With no one's arms to gather me together?
How will he find me?
Only held by gravity,
faded with uncertainty
No longer young and not that pretty
How will he ever find me?

It never seems to matter,
the tears I cry.
There's a well inside of me that never runs dry
From being born I guess,
and born in life until we die.
The music and the hope for love keep me alive
Still I wonder, how will he find me?

And what shall I do with a drunken heart
With goggle eyes and the troubling hunger
Reaching forward to trick mirror men
Leaning out and in again.
If love is a game how can it be creation?
And if I'm wasting my time
How will he find me?

I don't pray very often, but last night I prayed for someone who was a mixture of all the people I previously dated and liked... I should post it, but I would have to change the names to protect the innocent, lol. I might. I don't know if I even want a long term relationship again, but if I figure out what I do want, I obviously need to have higher standards. Obviously.

This is why we do it babe

"You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what’s a life, anyway? We’re born, we live a little while, we die. A spider’s life can’t help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone’s life can stand a little of that."

E. B. White, Charlotte’s Web

Why I am persecuted in small ways

God, I take after my grandmother and love to bitch.

- Rosalita (my dying vehicle)
- my dad for trying to steal all my money by going through my mail, finding my federal refund and offering to follow me to the bank so that I could give him $150
- bath and body works who is joining forces with ketchup to be my arch-nemeses
- Ebay sellers who are jacking up my body essence spray prices - the lowest is $40 and the highest is $70. Before BBW discontinued the product it was $16
- Work for blocking myspace and stumble
- The state of Indiana for voting for Hillary so much

I may have been at Gate 14

This is a fabulous article. I think it sums quite a few things up.

Unity in Diversity

One of the many reasons I love him.

And I admire him, he makes my heart swell.

it's from the drinks we drank last night

Yesterday after work I started getting some of my care package things together... The chic at the store asked what I was doing with all those loofah sponges... so I told her. I don't like all the attention... for example... "oh that's so nice," or whatever. And I'm sewing small travel pillows that the soldiers can take with them in their packs, so I was using my mom's sewing machine (I need to buy one), and all my brothers (I have 4 but only 3 were there) came up and asked what I was doing and my dad did too. Anyway, I just don't want the attention. AND I'm not writing this for you to say, "aww... isn't she sweet!"

I'm not sweet.

I hate that. I just like writing what's going on in my head. And I need to feel useful in my life as it seems lately I've devoted myself to the occupation of drinking, or, as my mother says, "pursuing sins of the flesh."

The one pillow that I did make turned out well. More to come. It's pretty simple, but I want to embroider some of them. I don't want them to be too frou-frou though, so we'll see.

I then went to one of my best friend's house to hang out with her fam and her new boy. We were all standing around the kitchen and then she brings up how very wasted I was on Wednesday night in front of her mother and 14 year old brother. I don't usually get so drunk that I can't remember things that happened, this was the second time in my life, and apparently some of the things done that evening were about the least classy of my lifetime. I was so embarrassed and then on attention overload, so I started crying. I mean, I walked away, and it was only a few tears, which is much better than I did when I was 3 and had too much attention and hid behind my mother and bawled my eyes out.

I've improved in the last 21 years.

Today I will be Happier than a Bird with a French Fry

Long ago and far away... I had a boyfriend, who was in Iraq. And it was my thrill and joy in life to send him care packages and letters and cards, just for no reason whatsoever.

So today, I found myself missing that. He got home safely, thanks be to God, and we broke up even before he got home safely. I tend to be self-involved... and occasionally selfish, as my mother reminds me of on a regular basis. But I still like doing things for others. Anyway, so I'm starting to get together care packages to send to random units, and it feels purposeful. Which makes today so much better than yesterday.

ugghhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my cries of frustration might sound like that if I could even begin to speak them...

This has been a super bad 48 hours, to which in response to the terrible 2-day span... I decided to start blogging? Because I thought someone else might care about me being frustrated? Well at least I care, and I write so much better than I speak... so maybe this is my cosmic cry of frustration to the universe... that last line sounds like a line from "You've Got Mail." I like to steal thoughts and ideas.

It's not really the past 48 hours that have been so bad, it's really been the last 2 years or so, but that big picture seems to be too much for me to handle, so instead I concentrate on the small everday things that go wrong, choose to stress incessantly about those things, and wait until all the bigger things build up so I at least have one nervous breakdown per quarter. It's an amazing life to be living.

So anyway... my sort of non-boyfriend and I broke up last night... of course there was nothing to break up, being as we said from the beginning that neither of us wanted a relationship... and both of us totally meant it, but I think we had different definitions of "non-relationship," being that if he wanted sex (um, and he did), that I required to hear from him more than once a week. Because I'm not into just sex... or friends with benefits... I'm not entirely sure what I am into, but I'll let you know when I figure that all out.

Well, so that's all over which actually was fine, I didn't want anything long term with him, but it still sucks to feel used... I mean seriously, no one wants to feel like that. And no one wants to be cussed out because you were just trying to say, that at 25 years old, if you say you're going to do something, do it, and if you're not going to do it, make a phone call. That's all.

Also - we put my dog to sleep today... she was part Chow-Chow and part Samoyed, so a good size, and she was 15 years old. A good long life. But a part of my life since I was 10. That hurts my heart.

All of this, which is small I suppose... but I live in Alabama. And that is so no offense to anyone who resides in the great state of Alabama, but it is just so not for me. I might be frustrated later and feel like explaining why I live here. But today isn't that day. I'm from Kentucky... oh God's land of promise... actually I love KY, but I really am more into the city... versus the country, and maybe I'm a northerner at heart... I honestly can't figure it all out. There are people and places I like down here... but I don't fit in. And I can't say that I've ever felt like I totally fit in anywhere. But not here. I think I'm okay with that. But I must get out soon.